This meant I would not be able to see you for several days after you got back after you being gone for a year. Having spent New Year in a pub on my own I slowly discovered that I need to find out who the hell I am and not accept men to approve what I do I became very insecure with a lot of things that were to follow The silencing that he gave me was unbearable and I slowly realized that I am not to bear my feelings and accept being played to fit his fantasies Months went by and a year into our relationship I started to feel that I was feeling more depressed and felt very insecure about a lot of things that I started to think about suicide as an escape from my reality. So that is something that should raise a warning flag in their mind, if for no other reason than to cover their own butt. These as with all of Kim and Steves materials and information are interchangeable for whatever the situation you are in, including with your daughter. Thanks Kim. He spins everything to make me wrong and him right. 5) During that second move, you got mad at me again and watched my 11 year old daughter who had been on her feet for two days, with 4 hours of sleep and having a cold. Through this Blog it has become to Clear. He will never change, so the question is, are you willing and capable of putting all your dreams, goals and morals aside for a boyfriend. They will say that you are the angry one and that you need help,and walk away full of selfrighteousness. Not sure if hes a narcissist but one thing I do know is he is super nice to everyone else unless they piss him off or what he perceives to be an attack on him from someone usually family/me and he lets strangers/co-workers walk all over him. He is a little boy on the inside. After love-bombing you with future faking and a false . Have we had good times? Nor was I, when tolerating them, i kept making excuses for unnexceptable behaviour. I didnt say a word. I told him that I would, because of your advise, & I was so scared to follow through, but I did. I will pray for you! I understood and told you I would not come to home coming, so it would not make it uncomfortable for your kids since by your choice your kids and your ex-wife didnt know of our relationship. Apologies, crying baby, spelling mistakes and unfinished sentences above. 17 up above, Deborah said she likes to think of the narcissists brain as a mass of short circuited wires that just dont connect. I read that narcissists may have faulty brain circuitry left brain/right brain functions dont work properly, making it difficult for them to process information much like people with dyslexia see the alphabet backwards or skewed somehow. I dont understand why someone that doesnt have that connection stays, there are other fish in the sea you can find love you can find someone who is healthy and please dont bring your children into a narcissist relationship that is so selffish and unfair to them it hurts my whole soul to think about it. Have you tried instead of putting some effort into your relationship, like ask not what you want rather what you are prepared to give have you tried calling him and just saying I didnt hear from you so i called you up instead it may be possible that you both have expectations of each other yet will not humble yourselves to give to the relationship. The following are common areas clients struggle with regarding personal accountability: Stay in control of your emotions. How depressing that they are so selfish they will not be responsible. I understand the need of getting these things off your chest. a discussion ,and Therefore he responds by attacking me which makes him feel superior. What you want is for his doctor to understand that he may be held responsible if he does not take your letter seriously. My guy and I are apart a lot of the time but he still managed to be emotionally and mentally abusive to me after the honeymoon period of our relationship ended. The other problem we first had was that he thought that i was there to be angry at if he was upset about anything (even if it had nothing to do with me) I explained him immediately that i was not there for that reason. Just as long as I stick to my boundaries. He goes to the himalayas next month on sabbatical for two months and I am praying to God he realizes how much he has hurt me and how much I truly love him and decides to change on his own. He hates most people. Love yourselves enough to cut your losses. You may also look for help from organisations that help the families of problem gamblers in your area. They can tell you anything to make you feel sorry for them, sometimes when they do get it, they even apologize: but, so soon they repeat, rendering the apology useless. I know a side of him that he can not hide from me, however the ugly side wins more often these days and so I reach for a new life with less turmoil and frustration. I will not protect him from repercussions of hurtful, moral wrongs, and what society accepts as odd behavior. Ive allowed my husband to twist and manipulate, not be held accountable for most of it. I really am too frightened. Its time to Grow Up! (We were married for seven years and have been divorced for 1 1/2 years now.) Finally understanding that my relationship with my mother was actually a relationship with a narcissist was the key to the rest of my life. he of course was perfect and still is. so many nights i wake up wondering what happened to my sweet man.. A parable says, A leach has two sisters. (they seem to have a hard time understanding the grief I am experiencing, for starters!). I think however there are differences in people with npd. Protect your kids! There is absolutely no redeeming qualities about a person who has a blaming spirit and thinks that everyone else is the problem. Hi all, First time Ive contributed to this blog and wanted to get more info on Because I loved him I needed to say no. I tried to help someone that I thought I cared about every day for a year and in the end, I ended up trying to hold on to her to the point where she consciously decided she would blatantly lie to the police about any contact, even coincidental, which resulted in me being arrested for STALKING her even though my contacts with her consisted of 5 phone calls none of which consisted of anything but the question why? I felt I was losing grip on life and sanity and didnt realise his constant insinuations and paranoid comments were pushing me there. Please come and visit our homepage. I said that is impossible and he said are you sure you didnt forget the banking? There is no love in the world worth what a borderline narcissist is willing to do to not be healthy and to take you down with them. In our last phone call (a phone call was a rare event) I confronted him with the bad behavior, some of which is aboveall I got for that was this text, which also said that my words have power over him and IM NOT RESPONSIBLE! I have known for years that my partner is a nar. Boundary #3: Mistreatment will not be responded to with kindness, overexplaining yourself or increased attention, but rather a withdrawal of investment, time, and energy. If you ever disagree with a narcissist, want something different, or challenge them in any way, expect a word salad. One of the most frustrating things about living, loving or working with a person with the signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be their lack of accountability. I did however make the decision to stay firm and say no to him. and after everything they do we still crying for them?- there must be some personality traits that mirror ours. Im tired of the game, the dance, the rollercoaster. This can be extremely frustrating and took me a long time to learn how to deal with and I want to share what I have learned about dealing with this today. Then he will be able to see the error of his ways, not just by word, but by deed. Once a. Nothing will convince them or change them. 17) You accused me time and time again of cheating on you. He is 40 years old and although we are living separately, my choice, he wishes for us to move to Australia together. I have to ask them what he says to them to unskrew the lies and manipulation put on them. Please dont ever stop! I also defended him from everyone that tried to push him to get back to work. We have bitter fights about the importance of money in a married relationship. We made the agreement that we would split the payment and insurance in the meantime so you had a car to drive. I fortunately can deal with it all for the most part. Well I read almost everyones comments and I am glad I am not alone. Then I will return to my friend and find a little bit more have changed since the last time and I pray alot too. With two dogs and two horses, close to your job and being able to leave my kids in the same school since my daughter had moved schools twice already and my son was in high school and had just moved back. By respecting my emotional, mental, physical health, financials, relationships with others, mature consequence based choices..it became very easy to see, that at no point, was tolerating this persons selfish, cruel, abusive, irresponsible and dangerous bullsh*t, a correct choice in any way shape or form. I have been a believer and customer of yours for several years now. When I get criticism,shouting verbal abuse , for no apparent reason , I know its not me ,just him not able to process I have tried to work thru this with him and have seen a small improvement thanks to the advise from Kim and steve but he is so beyond any reality and reasoning that I have to do what is best for my children and myself. Im not proud of it, but wanted to post in case this might resonate with others out there After truly saying goodbye the hero role, Narcissists dont hold the same interest anymore. I paid for the costs to maintain and repair the home since. These type of conversations are usually safer in a public place like a park or restaurant, and you need to make sure you are not bluffing! He always managed to pull me back. My guess is that he may be hiding credit cards you dont know about and is struggling to meet the repayments. Just call me the narcissist repellent 6 mo They respond VIOLENTLY. That might not sound like much to some people for us we were lucky to go 5 days without something happening. Perhaps hes just a mild case. I felt sorry for her. I work on myself to cope with that . Ive had to learn to detach rather than focus on atttachment. Excessive Demands on Others The means of asking for money at the very last minute, the lack of initiate to look for work, and his explosiveness and blaming when he does not receive money he asks for; has now led me very strongly to believe he is narcissist. Hey Welcome Cheryl and good job surviving the hell you were raised in, it is tough when we end up having to parent ourselves. ago and it has been very helpful in the way I react when I do not get defensive and criticize back it helps so much. I know I have the strength to give him more than I expect to get from him. After my split from my ex I met this guy from a dating website over year ago and thought I found my perfect soul mate Three months into the relationship things started to go really strange. Within weeks it deteriorated, he became intimidating, coercing, suddenly took over finances, isolated me in a new country etc. His behaviour towards me and the children became so bad he was forced to move out by court order. I will say, I was probably nearly every DSM diagnosis when he leftgetting better, have days of no tears and even feeling happy some days! (I dont want to date yet, am working on myself, but may need that piece of paper to feel comfortable to move forward. But wanted me to stay with him!!! After lots of advice I have had to step back and watch as my boys grow and mature (2.5yrs so far). I think the boss may be annoyed with him now because he is always finding stuff wrong no one else does hence making others look bad, hes been given some questionable stuff to do that I actually wondered if the boss is setting him up for failure. For how to get in control of a double life, I really dont see any chance. He has been paying for his share of the utilities so that I give him credit for but everything else is pretty much up to me. He even said I love you so muchwhat? I am not the one that started up with a girl friend and LEFT their wife. He has his own rules that no one else knows about. He got nicer a week or so. Whats sad.my 9 year old is already showing narcissistic tendencies. Thanks Darlyn, It was pure agony yet the best thing that has happened in many ways. Very simple. There was no mention of when we could see each other and I guess I had to accept it But noooo I didnt instead I confronted my n by saying that my friends have noticed how sad and depressed I am and certain friends were concerned about me. He is so good with her, and loves him just as much as he loves herand I hate to give up on him because I believe there is a really good man in there, I am just trying to reach him. Dealing with the trauma resulting from a abusive relationship is really hard to do. Ann, I hear ya on missing the good. She can do so much better and deserves so much better. I was confused and insecure. Instead, refocus on yourself and on rebuilding a better life (not for the narcissist, but for you). That money was for her college fund. I have followed your advice and he seems to now trust me and I guess he therefore feels able to be more honest with me. You need to find yourself a private detective who will help you and gather information for the police on his criminal activities. He never did anything for me nothing. but to ensure that I too learn from this experience and can move on to a healthier way of life either with or without him. In my heart I know its not over, but things are far from good! I dont want to possess him or be obsessed with him. This man I love cant own up to his own behavior that breaks the trust. And you have a right to your own views and feelings. How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them. Go figure) Well we have been arguing for months now about the fact that he wants to Do this together but he wont make any decisions as to the details of doing it together financially and we end up fighting every time we talk about it. Photo by - https://pinimg.com. I am done beating my head into a wall. I dont know how I managed to get out . Working with a qualified mental health professional experienced in treating victims of abuse is important. None did any good. I could do anything and my dad tells me how proud of me he is, while I can't recall my mom ever telling me that for anything I've done. Oh, this one is huge. After another long fight, I agreed to add it to your tab and for you to pay it back with your monthly payments. It seems that people like this can move on so easily without a second thought about you or the pain, anguish, and despair they cause to those they leave in their wake.. I have survived and will be fine, regardless if he gets better or not! It just goes to show that there are no single answers. You then threw in my face later Well I had to borrow the money from you so I could buy YOU and YOUR kids Christmas presents. Work on attachment and boundaries (there are defined in The Love Safety net Workbook) before you think about forgiving and the new church sounds great just give it some time. Eventually he began to say that he couldnt say one word with there being an issue. Thanks again for being so personal! He will not hear me in that moment. You cannot judge a persons personal choices involving themselves and their body by how it makes you feel, that is your responsibility. As long as we feel the need for validation from them, we are still in that trap of hoping for real emotions and caring from these people, and there is nonejust more manipulation for their own gratification. The 2nd counselor I went to by myself(after the couples attempt, where he wanted to be friends) told me he was likely a narcissist. Ultimately thats whats important if the percentages are ok, My wife been back&4th for all our marriage. He said he is done trying? Everyone needs different ideas and I thank you for adding yours to the discussion. I felt the need to give it to him as part of the seperation process for me. Till I got my papers he was supposed to pay spousal support, court ordered. I have found out who I am, what I need to do for me and to protect my children. I like your advice about just ignoring the behavior. 12 Ways to Break a Narcissist's Heart 1 Ignore their forms of manipulation. He was threatening suicide and has a history of using violence against me. I started planning that when we meet for anything it would be in a public place. To all those good people out there, keep looking for the help you need, get a good support team around you and as my brother says to me, Take a cement pill and harden up He wasnt being unkind, just realistic. Sounds similar Marie. When we mix lies with the truth, when we turn friends and family against our beloved, there is nothing left. This woman was a serial liar who could turn on the tears at will and present herself as a very convincing victim. Do not include anything about your relationship. You Hold Them Accountable. I think its sad actually what Im doing and yet, since I once had so much joy in relating to him and he was so much fun in the first five years, a long honeymoon period, that at night I miss our talks since he and I used to talk almost every night. Now, with the knowledge of what shes doing, I will never try to make sense of her, just my reaction to her. I dont know how to sort out our finances and I cant see where our money is going and so I have opened a separate bank account and hired an accountant to come in and see if they can sort out the mess., I am worried about you, but I dont know how to help you (with your porn addiction) and I am scared that it is hurting our sex life and putting our marriage at risk. That has caused me to understand that God loves my friend too. Just incase you are still not clear why I am ending this relationship and you are feeling sorry for yourself let me show you why. My heart breaks wide-open again because I am not sure what he is trying! Sep 3 It's much like a child throwing a temper tantrum, and in fact, the mentality that learned this tactic was that of a child. 2 Say "no" when they ask for favors. Or there may be situations where there is nothing to say you simply need to stop protecting them. Is there a point when I can tell, he has decided he does not want to get better and is not planning to do so? I dont want to walk away but he is pushing me away so far and I just wonder how you all find the strength to continue the dance during times like that. As you have seen it turns into a trial and everyone gets their defences up. Im sure that your ideas will help many people. But, we cant lose the business either. I constantly remind myself of this. Now hes drinking more and loves to stay high. they must be CAPABLE of honouring, respecting, cherishing, loving, being loyal, protective and mature etc.. He still works very closely with the woman he had an affair with for two years and I need that relationship ended even if it isnt an affair I feel it is still too close and too much Hi Kim It is very important that you put all of the steps in Back From the Looking Glass in place. I often feel rejected and alone. Powered by WishList Member - Membership Software. My husband left me over a year ago. I believe that the core problem is not the differences in living conditions that we all struggle to agree on and adhere to, but the underlying cognitive inabilities and resulting lack of empathy that gives rise to such a consistent lack of regard for another person. Its okay, he doesnt have to believe it. They have to learn the life lessons on their own, no more hiding the family secrets. Nar need to see that they have to own what they have done and live through the consequences. Its a hard life, but for me, Ive put down the sword, and have decided to find the believers in me; not the leaders or followers that are only destined to intercept my inalienable rights to exist. My question was about not knowing how to hold him accountable when the things he does are small and not police-worthy: blowing up at me over perceived slights, put-downs, emotional distance, not following through on his word, his concerns taking priority, lack of caring and empathy. He is a good person and has morals. Write in a journal, do something good for yourself. I dont believe it will work for my husband and I as I have tried for 7 years and nothing has changed. Cannot yet share my own experience but am on a huge learning curve so am needing to understand more and recognise fully that the change needs to come from me: not only because I would like to have the NPD in my life understand the impact of his behaviour on me (and others) Thank you Kim, reading your stuff has helped me so much to become a stronger person. 6) You gifted me a pair of boots and then pawned them without telling me, when you needed money. But I wasnt trusting his intentions. He started his job about 6 months ago, since then, he has changed the way things were previously done by pointing out to those in charge how things were un-safehe told me his co workers call him health and safety for a nick namehe doesnt realise how I soooo get the name they have given him and I am afraid he has said too much at work. If there is anyone who can possibly help us with the legal stuff, we would greatly appreciate it. But she always thought I was better than her. Narcissism is very hard to diagnose - even by experts. Hey Amy! And he was just as cool and calm. Ive been aware of his N personality for 10 years & actively working on me instead of trying to change him, for the past 3. Although hes only hit me once and I know that sounds like denial but believe me when I tell you I have made it very clear to him that if he does it again one of us is goin to jail and one of us is goin to the hospital. Identifying it has helped me work on myself self esteem, coping methods, etc. Mostly, nothing changed in the future, but I felt better (which of course, is another topic!) Thanks Kim I understand you dont have alot of info to work with. Kim first let me say thank you for being the only voice that says it is possible to stay with a Narc I ordered Back from the Looking Glass I was hiding it as I was reading it but he found it and boy was he livid to put it mildly after being subjected to a horrible rage episode I put it down for a while and felt a bit hopelessIll spare you all the gory details weve all heard them before but my breaking point came when he put my son out (who suffers from depression) and I told him I would be leaving also but that I would come back on weekends I just needed to be able to think clearly while not being subjected to his tyranny under the same roof with him everyday. They dont out run their lessons. She loves me for a mattervof time, its all good, but then hates next, the patterns are the same, im close to divorseN her, almost went to family courts, just to set the boundaries the she refuses to have.. And priorites.its 6 years yesterday, I mean, shes in and then out of my life, the love of my life ..yall pray for me Pray for us. How do you find the energy to do this? I know where this comes from, even knowing this it hasnt changed a thing. Is it a good idea to just go and do my own stuff then in a non-confrontational manner? I say, no you are not going to change this. Further if you carry on like a Narc whilst being oblivious to the fact that its you who is actually dragging everyone down..i promptly fire you! The thing for my friend is he doesnt want me to leave him so I try to become a safe person for him all the while being very careful to not become his victim. For years I was unwilling for those kind of things to happen, he was accountable he did not do the blaming thing. Hi sonia And I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. Says I am a know it all and have too many opinions.He does revenge for things I didnt try to do. Both of them were totally neglected and punished severly when they were young and left for the oldest sister to raise them. Despite the difficulties of this life, I love my husband and do not want to leave him. Thank you again for your courageous letter. Your or Steves suggestion would be so appreciated! If he really had to earn my trust like youd expect a person would have to before youd have sex with them, that would take a really long time. I have to ask money now for groceries and my parents have had to send money to survive on twice! We have been married for 29 years 8 of which he spent living with someone else. I cannot imagine doing such things to our children. They sound like clear boundaries you can put in place while helping yourself(sorry if I have missed or misunderstood something in your previous comments). We are certainly not about stroking his ego, but you need to be cool and calm to put a new plan into action. Any suggestion would be great In the case of a one off event I believe that yes the person should be held accountable preferably by a court of law. Please consider: Narcissistic people hate it when anyone tries to hold them accountable and so attempting to make them admit their shortcomings or mistakes will only break rapport.