Why are we judging other peoples interests? Anytime someone starts a comment with an um, I dont bother reading it because its bound to be condescending. He came home and threw his briefcase on the ground. They loved the entire concept and they loved the show. And I really do think he has been 100%, maybe even 110% put on the back burner. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. I think this is a great point. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time. I completely agree with you on Buffy. So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. We garden and cook together, and sometimes share favorite TV shows. So insightful! He came home four hours later. I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. My dad had a This Old House sweatshirt even! July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. lets_be_honest You can see it in the fighting. If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. It can be even tougher to try to figure out what to do about it. July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. But the show as a whole, awesome. BtVS not mature and intelligent? I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. Anything! I hated, and still do, all of those things. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). My mom and I were not friends like this, and she let my dads bullying escalate to keep the peace. Hes so dreamy, if not annoyingly alpha-male-y. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. Its every parents nightmare: watching their child drift away from them. Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. I forgive you!. . My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. Im dying for new people to follow! And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. I still think hes acting out like a child. is the crux of your real issues here. You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Anyway, we had to go visit one of his aunts who was dying in the hospital, and my dad admitted to me that he didnt WANT to go and said he was dreading it (which was not something hed normally say to me), but that sometimes you have to do stuff you dont want to do. One thing that works is to invite a friend along because then she looks forward to the activity and has fun and at the same time she is still interacting with parents. Although Mom does need to step up and encourage a stronger relationship between the two of them, its ultimately Dads responsibility to cultivate that relationship. So, encourage her to spend time with him. Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. I think the dad most definitely needs to be happy with the daughter he has, and not spend so much energy trying to shame her into being the daughter he wants, So he should act like an adult and not take his frustration out on his daughter by telling her that her interests annoy him. (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). Being a parent is more about shaping your child to be secure, well adjusted, happy (etc!!) But if she IS uninformed, then its good for him to point it out and provide her with ways to become informed. July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. It took me a long time to get into a relationship; I wanted to find someone. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy.. My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. The eye-rolling and making the daughter feel bad about her interests is not cool. (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) But I would say that Dad needs to try not to do the whole disparaging remarks thing. Mythbusters and other shows have done a number of episodes on sci-fi meet reality, too. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. How are those pre-teen interests? July 2, 2013, 11:50 am. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. A museum or something might be a good start. And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. But the problem here is not that the daughter dislikes her dads interests. I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. Also, I want to tell an awesome story about my dad. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! A father-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships a girl can have. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. Your husband and your daughter are both geeks at heart, which is encouraging. Do they really want intimacy but fear that their need will end up in entrapment? Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. My parents still make fun of me for a movie I wanted to watch when I was 8 because it was so awful. I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. The Inner Light Seriously. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Ostensibly through her mother. You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here. Heck yeah. I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. LW, would your husband be up for a night of board games with you and your daughter? We are this little team of 2. Lastly, the article idea isnt a bad one, but hes going about it all wrong. My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. Lily in NYC if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_18',131,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_19',131,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-2-multi-131{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}However, when conflict arises between a parent and child, it can be even more difficult to resolve. I would have been more open to doing different things if I wasnt told that there was something wrong or bad about the interests I did have. lets_be_honest A little . This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. "I cant win for losing. I think the bottom line is that she is twelve- all of her interests could change in a year or two. lets_be_honest I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. Frankly, I dont know ANYBODY who had such strange mutual worships WITH their parents I dunno, back in the 1980s most parents were actually grown ups, I guess. (even though his tone and demeanor sound indefensively harsh, cruel and mean.). July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. Totally agree on the respect issue. I agree with you, again. We were so thrilled. The thing is, what the father is doing is rude. He likes baseball, but he doesnt want to go to games, he likes golf, but he doesnt ever go, he likes history, but he doesnt really like books, hell watch something about the JFK assassination if its on the history channel but cant be bothered to pop in a DVDgift giving, really, is impossible, as is spending time with him that doesnt involve eating. Of course its going to drive her away from him. July 2, 2013, 3:14 pm. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. More of a this is silly than yall are stupid eye roll. July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. I thought The Crucible was awful, but I definitely went to Salem this winter and got really into the witch trials and all the history there. And so does dad. Like my sister loves Elvis, because my parents use to always listen to the Elvis hour on Sundays on the local oldies station, I didnt like Elvis then, so choose not to listen to it, I put my walkman on with Metallica, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it. Apparently I am super wrong about This Old House my college friends would just give me a blank stare if I brought it up. (Kept me sane), Astronomer July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? What is this site, a Masters program? However, he also needs to learn to compromise. So the fact that there are things that he likes doing is a good start, and the fact that he wants to do those things with your daughter is excellent. Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. That was my guess too. This is actually not difficult. Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. meadowphoenix This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. Neither does your husband. Game of Thrones? I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. This sounds a lot like my childhood! July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. Here are 16 ways husbands can unintentionally push their daughters away: It can be difficult to maintain a good relationship between your husband and your daughter, but there are a few things you can do to help. Like I said, I consider myself a mature, intelligent adult, yet I read People magazine. Even if you didn't start out as a control freak, you might have realized that you morphed into one. July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. Hey, that kind of worked for me. How many parents have to watch a certain movie a million times or have to listen to a certain band on repeat. I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently. He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? Wendy, this advice could not have been better. Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. I take little credit for how lucky I am. honeybeenicki His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. Plus, I like Rick Castle. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. If not, don't let this spoil your friendship and do what you can to keep her busy with other things so that she has less time to focus on this guy. But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. I was afraid the BS stood for something else. Our daughter just turned thirteen and she loves Star Trek, Dr. Who, Cat Warriors, fantasy books, theater and acting and swimming. If your daughter is still willingly doing these activities I dunno since most teenagers are rather bratty and self absorbed and not keen on doing things they dont enjoy Id hazard a guess she finds them more fun than you would like.