Whats shes for is waiting on and attending to others, and without an opportunity to do that, she must be sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark. The same is true for both indirect hinty inquiries like doing anything on the weekend? and direct invites like Are you available for X chore/ Y funthing Saturday between 2 and 5? Or noncommittal responses like dunno, maybe or definite responses like I will make time for a few specific fun things within specific timeframe, otherwise I am unavailable. None of these is universally rude; any/all can be considered presumptuous, pushy, passive, or otherwise inappropriate to specific circumstances or relationships (and fine/desirable for others), and any/all may result in added difficulty/danger if they are spoken to a person who has the ability to cause problems if displeased, and are not what that person wants to hear. Most of them, anyway. I"m not done loving you!" 7) "It's Friday bitches!! If the asker tends to demand stuff from me, Im likely to claim Ill be busy. Always always have a plan I forgot about until next day. Im not sure it would work on modern creepy dudes. Eating. (via Shutterstock) 7. They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. Its okay that sometimes my anxiety is bad. Sometimes I feel like this is just another Hi, how are you? kind of question that can be sort of skipped over. Its like theyre trying to help you come up with justifications for saying no before they even ask you the question. Theres always some kind of obligation, because theyre my parents and I love them and I want to honor what theyve done for me in giving me a great life. Am I supposed to answer? Are you asking where are you from of every person you meet the first time, or only of those whose appearance/accent makes you suspect they are not from your locality? There is no need to think about what they're up to or why they sent you the . I can find someone else, so dont worry if youd rather not-Mittens likes you, so I thought of you first, but I know at least two people who have been angling for some alone time with the fountain., Translation: Here are all the ridiculous things I am asking for, and the dubious rewards I can offer in exchange. When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. Im in my 20s and married, living away from home, but I feel like Im constantly playing tug-a-war with my parents and were fighting over boundaries. that kind of thing), whereas work is seen as almost virtuous, as my family holds work/money in high regard, and my hours are unusual enough that no one can remember what they are. LW gets that we all know this, and should be less friggin bigoted about shoving our nosy questions at a population for whom nosy questions are constantly tied to real threats of violence. The week after is all good. If its as specific as Thursday, thats true, but I find when its a larger stretch like the weekend or the holidays its just as likely to be an attempt to get to know you and learn about your hobbies, interests, routine, etc, and find out if you have anything in common/have a life they find interesting/etc. I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. So, sometimes it is a trap! 86 Funny and Flirty Responses To 'How Are You Doing?' - Monk at 25 Tomorrow is the weekend! K- keep a distance from work. Take care of your boundaries! Mother likes to trap me. Them We need to have lunch soon If I have no specific plans, she thinks my time is hers (but you said you were doing nothing! and she likes to be like cousin in example 3, re her children doing lots of stuff for her because thats what good kids are supposed to do (and if were not performing like good kids, then shes a bad mother ~guilt guilt~) and she doesnt like to ask directly* so it often comes across as manipulative or passive-aggressive). One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. It feels like a lot of just Use Your Words advice is setting people up for a shock when they realize that their coworkers or acquaintances are offput by it. For me, laundry is a good excuse, because you can make it seems as small or as big as youd like. And suddenly many things became clear. My response to that is usually a sassy Depends, why?. I always answer with [local Canadian area], because its 1) true and 2) not at all the answer theyre fishing for (although I sometimes? Ive realized its very important for us. Shes moving and needs a van? I also dont hesitate to tell people, Id have to check my calendar, what about you? in response to this kind of question! They may be angling to invite you somewhere. This has not happened to me, that I know about, but aunt has a sibling who does not hang out with the family much, for reasons that dont need exploring at this juncture, and I have heard them say stuff like I cant believe shed rather [wash her hair/go to the doctor/chores/etc] than have lunch with us. or right out, shes making up excuses to not go out with us. And some family members are theyre hurt by it and some just dont get it. That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. I have friends who do that, along with a SIL, and I also find it stressful/annoying. Right now? You wonder where he'll take you. I get the where are you from? question all the time. Riding an elephant. One of the costs of challenging social rules is that it makes it harder for people to learn them. My family are a bunch of hyper-social weirdos for whom my introvert-ness is very confusing. The mental stress is the same whether you interrupt a current rest period or interrupt the chance to get there before it before it starts. Weekend gone! Why is that worth it? Giving my notebook a bath. I also agree that this is a loaded question and it also makes me on edge when someone I do not know that well asks it. Ive learned a lot of strategies.). My white mom has a very unusual first name (I dont know of anyone with a name that is even similar, AND its spelled with a non-English character) and, 40 years after she moved to the US people still ask her where shes from. I agree with you based on what shes told me, it feels very othering, and she resents it. Thursday is good for me. I always just say What do you have in mind? It hasnt failed me yet! Yes, I know that is an inappropriate way to react. I know this is a small complaint, in the grand scheme of things, and I usually handle it by changing the subject to something Im interested in if I *do* feel like conversing. Accompany your morning treating with a Halloween wish. a coworker you dont hang out with outside of work asking this question on a Friday) and as a pre-request/invitation. that sounds fun! Im still seething. (This one will definitely keep them guessing.) Like, OK, were not people who talk to each other about our lives beyond the weather and traffic, cool. Its not an actual request for information, its a greeting and acknowledgement of each others existence. *In my case, Z has agreed to push the Ask her yourself button instead of passing messages along. Silly Friend: what are you doing this weekend? I ticked the following boxes: 1) had conversation, 2) got her to talk about herself, 3) gave her questions so she could talk about herself some more to make her feel good, 4) she was talking to me, AND I saw her smile! Of course both people will vary from the scripts with personal style and the situation, but that is the general way it can go. You can try to head it off by always responding with some activity youre doing that could theoretically make you busy if it turns out you need to be busy But frankly if someone is trying to manipulate you then you have a manipulative person problem, not a specific question problem. Sorry, Im busy. I have a group of friends now whom I trust not to give me a hard time about the explicit choice to paint my toenails in front of Netflix instead of going out. It sort of came to a head last week when I was on the toilet, and the kid came to the door, and my kid answered the door, and the conversation was like We went swimming in the lake and had a little bonfire." This is a good response to use when your weekend with family was more on the slow-paced side but was nonetheless enjoyable. Had it been a long time since shed asked him? Because everybodys got something. Totally fair and perfectly polite. But most native speakers will still answer with the single word "Good.". And when things are something that I consider a family obligation, I make it clear (I need you tocan you? I want to put a claim on your time for X, will that work? etc.) Shell show up at your house again, or track you down partway to school. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? To those who suggested building better boundaries with my family: Good advice. I think thats why it can sometimes be difficult to answer? Another option is to have certain chores that a certain person does (e.g. This is a different way of reacting to a social interaction. Its any individuals choice whether the tradeoffs are worth it. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Of course, you can replace "great" with any adjective (positive or negative) that describes your day in a general way. If they play extra coy with me, Ill just be extra cryptic in return. Jackpot! If people volunteer that theyre from somewhere far away whether they have a recognizable accent or not I might ask what made them choose this tiny place to move to. Except LW specifically said that with the peer-friends who are not using it as entrapment, LW doesnt find it problematic at all. LW specifically gave examples of when it happens and why it annoys them, yet dozens of people are trying to splain that this is just small talk in their part of the world. They know this. Its a little more inconvenient to go to a different branch, but I do that sometimes, or mobile banking or attempt to time it so that I end up with another teller. I really need to catch up on some sleep this weekend. That way they know Im not going to be up for a 7 am hike, or a 9am brunch, but if they wanted to do an early happy hour Im probably going to be up for it. Flying in a rocket ship. Its not really surprising when you think about the mechanics of it its basically stereotype threat / stereotype threat removed. k. Yes, I think theres a fairly clear difference between people who ask as small talk (for example, when youre both waiting for the microwave in the staffroom, or waiting at the bus stop after work) and when its done how LW specifies. Nothing too exciting, Ive got a bunch of things on my to-do list. But different cultural norms! Me: Working. What to Reply to "Hey"? 19 Effective Text Responses - Trending Us But I think often we like to pretend that there are no such tradeoffs, and thats not helpful in the real world. 7 Funny Responses to "What Are You Going to do with Your Life?" If the emphasis is on you its just a greeting. That's why this is one of the funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" that you should keep in mind. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. This is OT, but if someone would like to explain how its supposed to work in the US, Id appreciate it. Dont for a second feel guilty about judging a nosy male as no good if they ask nosy questions and show any sign of caring if you dont answer. To those who are wondering why this is such a big deal when its just a social pleasantries thing: I *almost* put this in my original questions but left it out for length and (I thought) irrelevance -The question does not bug me at all when people ask at work or social functions as a way to make conversation. So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. Ive got[an alligator to befriend, etc]. Busy busy busy! heres what i dont get: why would it be a problem, in the scenario youve given, to say, eh, i wish, but im swamped this week, shitYXZs been happening, ill ping you next week tho. If someone just using what are you doing on __ as a casual opening to issue an invite, it gives them the opening they need. LW, if it makes you feel any better, when many people ask this question, they arent doing it to trap you into something (though some are, of course). Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. Plus, young women and girls arent stupid they know that most people will view them as being at the absolute bottom of the dominance pecking order and will resent it if they dont answer questions put to them. Whereas it might feel more awkward/imposing for her, and less for me, to just ask outright, Do you want to go to [event] on [this day]?. Our college was selling cheap tickets for an outdoor ice skating event. Aunt: Are you doing anything this weekend? If you use the same phrasing with suddenly a dramatically different meaning, its not other peoples fault if they dont know youve changed the meaning on them. My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). And its hard to argue with. Theyre almost certainly not trying to pry into information you consider private! Oh thanks capn for the hilarious answers!!! Theres a great body of research on the pileup of mental stress on the interrupted person, and the habit encourages the interrupter to indulge in constant watching and judging of how another adult spends their R&R downtime, which isnt good for the interrupter either, since it breeds resentment, often of a very petty kind. This reminds me of a post the Captain did on Freeing Yourself from Constant Contact with people calling all the time. I think you nailed it with that last bit, to an epic degree. friend: yep cool I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. Is this just aimless small-talk? I am definitely not math or sciencey, just like my me time, so that wouldnt have occurred to me. Try delaying your answer and then see if taking the pressure off yourself to answer the question or commit to stuff helps you feel less annoyed by this question. Oh, surviving, surviving. I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. After reading comments, Ive come to the conclusion that Ive over-generalized my preference (anxiety? "That is very thoughtful of you, it was a nice weekend.". However, it is true that "hanging out" is not what a person often thinks of as "OMG awesome must be there!" Funny Responses to Compliments Everyone Can Use Bonus points if you say something that makes zero sense, but you end up getting your family to look at you like a genius anyway. The fallout you talk about? You: Yeah, we should. No useful data is exchanged, its just polite social grease to ease people along in their day without ignoring each other (which is definitely read as rude). . Theyre private and you dont need to know them. So setting a rent that I would for any other adult is simply not applicable. This particular response though, is one of my favorite comments ever. Wake up late Sunday morning and go ride or play in the mud. I think LW is unable to separate people doing something that they personally find annoying, and people intentionally trying to annoy them.