Before going down a path you have already been on, voice what you want from this renewed relationship be it any kind. But dont rush into setting a date for a catch-up over coffee. The only reason your ex is trying tore-establish contactis that they need some advice about a serious issue theyre having. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. She has grown up and matured a lot in this time, as have I. It really depends on a number of circumstances such as the cause of your breakup, whether your ex has moved on completely or not, if your ex hates you or has no bad feelings towards you. If the person ghosted you leaving you in dire need of closure, you might feel tempted to respond to their message. Nah. You DO NOT have to maintain a protocol, thinking that itll be too rude to not reply. We were both in happy LTR's, so there was no flirting or anything like that, but it felt really good to speak honestly and openly. Very hard, traumatic at times. It could also just be curiosity which I understand to a certain extent I guess. Is there any ulterior motive? ETA: He's the one who dumped me. Additionally, if youre getting back with your ex because youre lonely, that may not be a good idea either. Although your ex could want you back, its much more likely that he or she will just want to find out how you feel about him/her and try to learn what youve been up to. This is considered breadcrumbing as he was concerned about your health. Before we talk about what to do when an ex reaches out after no contact, we need to discuss what "after" means. Always so grateful. Maybe you were really close with one of your exs friends or family members, and theyre either seriously ill and on their deathbed, or they died suddenly. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. He thought were friends and the fact that he cheated on me was very conveniently swept under the rug. If your ex and you had a very on-again-off-again kind of relationship, do you think bringing that back into your life is a healthy decision? A closure response. There was a lot of love in your dynamic before, and that may have turned to affection and warmth. Good emotional support is tough to come by out there in the cold, dark dating world. As mentioned, they may just be contacting you to see how you are. I'd been warm and affectionate with him, but except during sex (we were each others first), I never said I loved him. [9] It can be a shock to get a random text or phone call from your ex. And if everything else fails, go with your gut feeling when an ex contacts you suddenly. I think my ex will never contact me after years later. But how are you supposed to know that for sure? Dont make up stories when your partner asks you, Why would an ex contact you years later? Be honest and tell them the truth about what your ex has texted you. Many exes contact their previous partners years later. For many adults, that can fuel the attraction to Facebook friends from high school daysthey remind us of a time when we were more self-assured than we might be now, more carefree, and probably with a greater sense of agency in our lives. A few months after his phone call, my family moved again, this time to the other side of the country. Your ex might be a changed person more decency, less infidelity. He had no intention of getting back with you romantically. Such dumpers often get nostalgic, hurt, and depressed so they contact an ex they used to be close to and come running back faster than greased lightning. It was interesting seeing him again. Anywho, all of this is to say that I haven't had a good experience with an ex trying to reach out. If you have a close friend or someone who knows your history with your ex, spill the beans about the text and ask for advice. The expectations are usually running wild when you have not moved on completely. This kind of reciprocity is what makes confession responses a great way to respond, especially if your ex called you during no contact to fix things. We invested a lot of time in one another so it's nice to learn how the other is turning out. Consider whether your ex is entitled to this kind of work from you. There was a certain sense of familiarity and comfort in your relationship which is simply hard to replace. Theres also a chance that your partner has asked what youd do if your ex resurfaced. TL;DR: Yes, because our break-up needed closure. He also had trust issues before we got together. In that case, having a quick chat on Instagram wont be such a bad idea. Say, you have been applying the no-contact rule after the breakup, be it a mutual decision or one-sided. I get why you feel the need to give this person closure, but please know: that's not your responsibility. Heartbreak Burnout. When exes come back after months, there could be a rosy side to it too. Despite their problems in their relationship, they were soul mates, and theyd never been able to find such a deep connection with anyone else since the break-up. Unanticipated, unasked, over five years later. It is okay if he contacts you after so many years. 2 Take a moment to work through how you feel before replying. What do you intend to do now that your ex contacted you? If your ex wants something from you, your ex will directly or indirectly point it out. The fact that you moved on and found happiness all over again on your own, draws them back to square one. So, I am trying to find someone to talk to, who will be unbiased toward my situation. The SPIVA scorecard, which allows investors to compare the performance of actively managed funds to that of passive funds in the same category, tells a chilling story. It could mean that your ex received forgiveness, validation, or that he or she eased curiosity. And if they dont like what they see, they will start missing you. I wouldnt bother replying to an ex who dumped me years ago, even if Im unattached. Anyways, I was young and didn't handle the situation well. You may hold beliefs about anger, such as: Nice . Its like comfort foodmac-and-cheese may not be haute cuisine and it may not reflect what our normal menu offers, but it brings back images of childhood and safety and security. When were young, we think we know it all and even if we were more timid or reserved, most of our teen-aged selves had a set of friends who got us, even if we were still figuring out who we were. If the roles were reversed, how would you feel about it? Pro tip: Keep your mind open and your heart closed. Youll have to settle for way less than that. How have you been?, dont conclude that the nasty text they sent to you while breaking up meant nothing, and that they want to get back together. You slipped back into a temporary depression, but this wont last long. But apparently it has haunted him for 12 years enough to find me and ask. That doesnt, however, mean that you should talk to her, keep getting closer, and abandon your wife. Make sure you remain honest if you decide to speak. By the looks of it, you dont have a lot of respect for her, so you want to keep moving on without her. This is not about playing games, its about knowing if you really want to restart a conversation with a person who you have dated in the past. Hi Zan, My ex owes me money which I want back, nearly $1000 dollars and I have been unable to collect since the pandemic began,I want my money and I am going to reach out for it. That's an interesting angle I did not consider, I'm glad it helped! We dont often think about emotional labor as work, but it IS indeed work. My ex contacted me after about 3 years of no contact. You can either become your exs friend, an acquaintance who talks to an ex once in a while, or you can ask your ex not to reach out and keep moving on. It's when an ex reaches out just to get something from you and then disappears. Of course, as a dumpee, you might not have to stay your exs backup plan forever. (ETA: Not in an obsessive "someday-we'll-be-together-again" way, lol. He was going through the program and wanted to make amends. And if you are in a serious relationship, it is always better to loop your partner in on the little developments on the ex-front. I didnt feel empowered by her reaching out, just felt sad more than anything else. Just take your time. Writing back right away will only give. I was living about 1.5 hours away at the time, had moved away even before our break-up. Its been quite some time since she was a stepmom to your kids, so theres probably no need to message her now. Its okay if your ex doesnt contact you, Linda. I do not want to interrupt her life now and do not want to reopen any wounds. Youll set your own pace and see if your ex agrees. It may seem a bit strange to ask your ex that, but dont worry about that. Your mentality has changed, and things are not how they used to be. Im not sure if Im doing the right thing. You were friends before getting involved in a relationship, and becoming a couple destroyed your friendship. Signs And Coping Tips, 15 Speed Dating Dos and Donts You Need To Know, How To Start A Conversation With A Girl: 20 Ways That Never Fail, 10 Ways To Tell Your Parents You Have A Girlfriend, Dealing With An Insecure Boyfriend? Perhaps they feel genuinely guilty about hurting you so badly and cant find their peace until you forgive them. I wished him well too. The most harmless case might be that your ex-partner is just checking in on you to learn how you are doing in life. The good thing about it is that you get to decide whether you want her in your life or not. Wont hurt to text them back if alls forgiven and forgotten. In all honesty, there is no "after no contact" as no contact is . Its almost like youve been waiting for me. The humiliation I felt after that made sure I never texted her back again, Aaron, a construction manager, shares with us. I'd done something he considered cheating. Yeah, no. A part of me feels like I need to give him closure and I'm not sure how? 8 Things To Do When Your Ex Contacts You Years Later, 4. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. Its kind of like the phrase about not lending money to friends if you cant afford to lose it. He tried to hint that he was looking for an affair and then I blocked him. When were facing something scary, we do like to hear about people whove survived a similar threat or something even worse. Even if you do respond, make sure you can do so in an indifferent manner, says Jaseena. Weirdly, whether we like it or not, exes do this all the time and its important not to automatically decide that your ex wants you back. Here are six common reasons for exes getting back together years later. However, if youre thinking about getting back with your ex, you must decide wisely. They will be able to compare the different aspects of their life with and without your presence in it. But instead of telling yourself something like, My ex contacted me after 2 years and Im starting to think they have genuinely changed, try to take a minute to assess the whole situation. But they didnt click with anyone. Press J to jump to the feed. I think youre right. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. Exes reach out for a lot of reasons, and wanting a relationship again might be one of them. I actually miscarried shortly after confirming the pregnancy. Friendships are funny thingssome of the relationships you think are the deepest are really reflecting more about the intensity of that time in your life, not the genuine depth of the relationship. Three words: Manage your expectations. Some couples break up in the heat of the moment for ridiculous reasons. In your mind, it's been a while since you broke up, and in the meantime, it feels like a lot of water has passed under the bridge. Often, urges to contact an ex may come up at the end of an unhealthy relationship and not for healthy ones. In fact, it can help minimize our own sense of anxiety. That usually means theyve contacted you for some companionship and not for anything serious. There is no pretentious behavior, and they are comfortable with each other. Your ex probably felt apprehensive about contacting you after so many years, but because your ex was curious about you or needed a favor or something else from you, he or she contacted you anyway. When your ex reached out, your ex was focusing solely on the present moment and merely wanted your understanding, reassurance, encouragement, and compassion. No one says you need to entertain them. If your ex is single and all their friends are dating, they may go through periods of loneliness where they desperately need to speak to someone. I cant say for sure, but its time for you to move forward from this person. As you say, it was likely just an attempt to ease her guilt. HD01;:, Siddartha (Dhritiman Chatterjee) is forced to discontinue his medical studies due to unexpected and brutal death of his father. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Once you give in to the temptation and reply to their message, you might be left utterly confused about their motivation for texting you. We talked briefly. As most of the comments say it depends on how the relationship was. I felt that she was just trying to ease her guilt rather than anything else, and it wasnt my job to do that. What to do if an ex contacts you after years isnt the easiest thing to decide. In searching for the familiar, we may be drawn back to past times in our lives when our cares seemed so much lighter than they do now. Perhaps they have even started dating soon after the breakup. I hope his heart is at peace/ease despite things not going how he may have expected. And I felt much better letting him know how much I'd cared about him during our relationship even though I hadn't expressed that in words well enough back then. What is their intention? I've talked to him a few times and it just seemed like he needed to remember happy times for a bit. Your heart might start beating faster the moment you get a text from the ex but take a few minutes to think about the consequences if you end up meeting the ex again. I help over 1 million men a year radically transform their lives for the better after being dumped. What if the ex just wants to hook up and would want to do it with someone familiar rather than a stranger? I said I didn't have any expectations of him, but I wanted to take ownership and say "I'm sorry" and took responsibility. What role are they going to play? Let me know what your plans are in the comments below. Reach out because youd like to reconnect to see where someone is at in their life, to share a memory of past times, or offer a show of support and caring. This was a little bit before the internet was such a big thing, so he wasn't able to find me online. I'm not mad that she reached out. You have to be careful. Many years have passed since you were together, so naturally, youve matured and changed quite a bit. She apologized for everything and expressed a desire to be friends again. In fact, it can help minimize our own sense of anxiety. They are Feeling Lonely. He'd already tried to reach out to me a couple times, but I wasn't ready. If you have seen this behavior before from your ex, dont dive in headfirst. When an ex contacts you years later, make sure you dont actively try to turn it into a guilt trip for them. I was living back in our old area for a little while and had been spending every weekend that summer at a beach club. When you receive a text or call from an ex years after the breakup, the very first thing you must do is learn why your ex reached out to you. Your mental peace certainly comes before they rant to you about their workload and unmet marital fulfillment. Honestly, I have never found that sentiment to be true. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. If exes come back when you stop caring, youve got to make sure you remember not to rush into anything and not over-indulge. 7. You should be able to talk to whoever you want, but keeping your partner informed in this regard is wise. I saw them looking around. If you reach 41 weeks (1 week overdue), your provider will do tests to check on the baby. When you get a text from an ex, all youre probably thinking about is what they want. But the only one I have on social media now is the one that took my virginity. If your relationship was healthy, you might not feel the need to speak to the person, or you may still have them in your life. Just a comment on the "closure" part of Your post: no you don't. Its not helpful, though, to go into any reconnection with too many expectations. Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on Telegram (Opens in new window), Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window), My Ex Is With Someone Else But Still Contacts Me, decide if you want to be friends with your ex, They return because their life doesnt go according to plan, what to do when your ex contacts you years later, when an ex boyfriend contacts you years later, when an ex girlfriend contacts you years later, When A Guy Cries At The Thought Of Losing You. Many a time, people end a relationship in haste without thinking it through. Its important to mention that this is a dangerous place to be in because it satisfies a void, and you forget why you broke up in the first place. Each relationship has its own unique conclusion. When the call, email, ortext messagecomes, dont feel that you need to be polite. Whatever the bad news, your ex thought youd want to know about it. Thank you Zan for your perspective. Closure takes effort and patience, and sometimes, the wounds wont heal with an explanation. If the dumper realizes your worth, he or she could learn to respect you again and make you into the most valuable person in his or her life. Theres no generic advice on what to do when your ex contacts you after years. My breakup recovery method for men combines science, first-hand . If you stay in no contact (and you should), youll recover in a matter of days (most likely). Several reasons exes may contact you are below. And think of yourself first. They get curious or nostalgic, so they reach out via text, call, or social media. Secondly, it also gives us evidence that others have successfully faced similar challenges. They might just want to be friends with you, if youre open to the idea. So, we have jotted down these 8 points for you to ponder on before you decide to reply to that text. And then he behaved in such a way as if theres nothing to be addressed about how awkward the whole situation is. If this companionship usually hurts you when they ghost you again, its better not to indulge in it. I am still not sure if its a good idea. Maybe you thought youve made your peace with whatever happened with your ex. I just this week had an ex reach out after 20 years. Nothing will raise your chances of reconciliation higher than when your ex reaches out to you after he or she has had the time to think thoroughly. The important thing to remember is to be honest. More often than not, they just want to catch up and be friends. I dont want to bring up the passed too, rather move forward for the sake of everyone involved. I doubt that that's why he would reach out, he's the one who got apologies from me shortly after the breakup (which he did get shortly after, but probably not in the most though through way) thanks for sharing. I know it can feel tempting to converse with your ex and convince your ex youve changed, matured, and become a better version of yourself, but thats not why exes reach out after years. But they happen anyway., and you are left with no other choice than to face the aftermath. First, it helps normalize our experience and our feelings. In such cases, the steps to ensure closure need to come from within. Its much more important that he lets you enjoy your life in peace. Like a lot of reasons on this list, this might be totally unconscious. Our same chemistry was there, and I still found him lovable and attractive. After 6 months of balance to initiation of conversation, she stopped getting in touch. Invite them to join you for a drink to catch up, or suggest the two of you grab a coffee sometimes. So they pick up the phone, dial your number, and hope youre just as lonely as them and willing to have a conversation. We dont sign up for certain catastrophes in life. His reply is 'the plain human courage shown by the people of Vietnam', instead of the . Also, a Caffeine headed individual whose day consists of bouts of contemplation about life and afterlife. Youve both moved on, got a new partner, and were happy, so whats the motive? Instant replies hint at either interest or an unfulfilling life and even if both might be true, dont let your ex pick up on that. This goes double if you had a true friendship at the center of your bond. hat would hurt him? If that's what he needs from me I'm afraid my reaction might not offer much comfort. Will defo not repy if he decides to reach out again!